51 - Josie Megan - how reaching breaking point has pushed me to a new adventure.

​I have battled with depression and anxiety for most of my teenage years, up until now.
Lately, I have been in a hostile and uncomfortable work environment, I have been a third wheel in all aspects of my life, I’ve had secret panic attacks in the bathroom and came home from work in tears multiple days in a week, every week. I’m still in love with someone who works there even though he fell out of love with me months ago.

This has been my 2018.

Of course, it hasn’t all been bad. But enough of it has been negative for me to forget about all the positive. I have been stepped on, crushed like a bug, I can’t handle it anymore.

In August, I decided enough was enough. I was rejected for a promotion for the third time, however I was made to do the job anyway, without the recognition or the pay. I extended a pre-booked two-week trip to Thailand to one month, added two weeks in Bali and decided to hand my notice in. I didn’t hand it in at that point though, but the knowledge that I was leaving provided me with some comfort. This way, I could work up until I went away, and then worry about a job once I’d come back. I fly out on November 6th.

What an achievement. I’m a 24 year old girl who has never travelled. I have been on holidays, for sure, with friends, with family, with myself. I get to travel to other English cities for work, but nothing as mind blowing as Indonesia. I seemed to retreat into my shell when I went to Athens alone, and I think that is because I got used to my own company. No one has been able to crack open the shell since. I’m too independent. Plus, no one can disappoint you if there’s no one to disappoint.

But I’ve decided to get new people. And what’s the best way of doing that, and removing myself from my comfort zone? Travel.

I handed my notice in on September 27th, giving my notice and then some. Most people have had some really positive things to say, and of course I will miss them, but it’s time for me to go.
2018 felt like everything that could go wrong, went wrong. I wallowed for most of it. I allowed myself to be sad, to say no to everything, be miserable and mope. I suppose I was quite awful to be around. I’d forgotten how to smile. I was overworked, overburdened and overwhelmed. I couldn’t handle it all.

During a quiet period, with no events to attend, I managed to spend more time with my family. I saw my old friends. But only because I’d asked. I still felt a bit left out. It nearly broke me.
But it didn’t. I didn’t allow it.

Instead, I started a countdown to my trip, a visual reminder of what I was sticking around for. My family and friends that need me, that love me. Seeing children playing in the parks, taking extra babysitting jobs, reminded me that I need to stick around to become a mother one day. I’ve got to stick around for those adventures.

I take things day by day. I write lists, poetry, lyrics. I spend time with the people that I want I spend time with. I cook more. I eat less junk food. I exercise more.

In the middle of all this pain comes a diagnosis that could change my life, and new medications to help me control the things I think I cannot control.

I have less than a month until my trip, and I couldn’t be more excited for the journey I am about to take.

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Good luck on your travels Josie! Looking forward to doing a FB live with you when you get back to hear all about it. 

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The BeGlad Movement is aiming to collect 100 stories of good coming out of bad and reasons to be glad by the end of 2018 to help support each other with our experiences and to raise money for the Samaritans and Action for Happiness. If you would like to donate it would be so greatly appreciated. Thank you!

https://mydonate.bt.com/fundraisers/beglad